Today, I'm plagued with insecurity. Can I really do this? There are so many people who have already done it, who are farther along in this process than I am. What if no one likes my story? What if there is no chance I will ever get an agent or worse get one and then spend years never getting published--just being tossed back and forth? I couldn't handle that. Is it worth it?
Yes. I mean, it's hard sure. And I'm insecure right now, frustrated by what I'm not doing, by how quickly things are not moving with the story. And my, how I change things every day. It is all a lot to figure out. Yet. Yet I can't imagine not doing it. I had a late start to this. It took my a while to figure out it was my dream. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean I have something to prove. It only means that I have to work harder and write.
I am literally, starting from nothing. That's all writing is: a thought or an idea and a blank page. Then, you put those ideas on the page. You have nothing when you start and something when you finish.
Not one author friend that I have out there has EVER said it was easy. In fact, they have all expressed the difficulty of this dream. They have all also expressed the joy of the craft. The acceptance that comes with failure. The freedom in the words finally being out of your head. The people that you meet along the way.
To me, no matter what is happening right now and no matter how much I feel like I can't do this, that is worth it. The truth is that I can do this. Dreams aren't easy. When we are kids we think they are. We can be whatever we want to be. No one tells us how it hard is going to be. If they did, we wouldn't dream. Even faith is lined with difficulty. But at the end of all those things there is something beautiful.
Difficult dreams make for exuberant rewards. Those rewards may be small accomplishments that feel like the world but I keep saying it's going to be worth it.
Am I scared? YES. Is this hard? YES.
But I am not alone. There are so many people who keep me going--some who I've never really met. I have encouragement in my difficult dream and that makes me want it even more. For them. For those who said (and will say) I can't. For those who will be affected by what I write. And for me. Definitely for me.