The SCARY Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I am so in love with my WIP.

This is a new emotion, because for WEEKS I've only complained to my gracious and wonderful CPs how much I hate this book.

And I do hate it sometimes.

I hate it because it's different for me. I get nervous about writing a story that's this "different" and this out of my comfort zone. Can I pull it off? What does it mean for me and my future? Is this really the kind of author I want to be known as? Will Hotboyalicious (not real title) forever alter the things I can write? I don't know.

I hate it because it challenges me in ways that I never knew I struggled in as a writer. Because I can't seem to get a grasp on the story. Because it's ever growing and changing and I have no clue what's going on. The subplots are going in every direction. The voice of my MC feels off to me, and I think it's all in my head (at least that's what those CPs tell me) and I can't quite determine if the love interest comes off as insta-love. I have too many ideas and I'm already at 50k and not even halfway done with all of them. I even have an outline, that I don't know how to follow anymore but somehow keeps finding itself back in the story.

But mostly, I hate this WIP because it makes me doubt myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the right person to be telling this story. I've written a few books now and I've never looked at one with such uncertainty before. I get really excited about writing it, but when the time comes to sit down and do it, I get trapped inside my own head all these worries, and all the insecurity and you know what?

IT IS SCARY.

I'm not one who gets caught up a lot in writing doubt. That's not to say I think I'm the best in the world or anything---I can barely take a compliment. Ask my CPs. But it's just something I do. I put the words on the page and go. So the fact that I'm so stunted with this WIP is really, really scary. I have to constantly battle myself out of the doubt.

The thing that's striking me today, is that underneath the hate I feel toward it for these reasons, I also love it. I'm talking let's run away together and fly to the moon, love it.

These characters are my favorite out of any thing I've written. The mythos is fun. The story, while out of control, is surprising and lovely. My MC is snark and bubbles and confusion--which makes her easy for me connect to, since that's currently what I'm feeling. My love interest is awesome. He's so amazing. I think I love him more than my MC. And what's even more--this story is fun to read. 



There's a thin line between love and hate. And with this WIP, I find myself constantly teetering the line. Some words, I hate it. Other words, I love it. I have to keep telling myself that this is just a first draft! And that's hard too because I write clean first drafts. I have to let go of some control with Hotboyalicious (not real title) and let the character and the story unveil itself. Then, later, I can polish.

Today, I love my WIP. We spent hours together yesterday, talking through some of our issues, and I find myself with a renewed excitement. How long will that stay around? I don't know. But for now, I'm sure going to try and embrace it.

Does anyone else find themselves struggling with this? Someone tell me I'm not alone!!